The day my life changed course

6 years ago my life took an abrupt and unexpected turn when Roy, husband passed away. So much of my life has changed since that day.

One of the lines in the documentary, My Invisible Husband says, “The sun rises and sets, life goes on.”

At first I didn’t want life to go on, now I am excited about what’s next. Thanks to his love and guidance I get to hang out with dolphins and birds and see life through the eyes of a camera lens that fills me with so much joy, Everyday!! Pinch me, I have loads of joy! Who knew?! Roy did.

Our journey together after his death is what inspired making the film. He and I used to spend hours talking about how we could reach more people. He was also a CranioSacral Therapist and was fiercely passionate about helping his clients. This film is our collaborative effort showing the healing power of love and nature.

If you are interested is reading a few snippets of the journey, this is an older post I wrote about some of his visits.

Thank you Everyone for your support along the way. I’m grateful to have you as my pod.

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I WROTE THIS ~ 3.15.19

It was 3 years ago today that my loving husband Roy Desjarlais suddenly left his body. In some ways it feels like yesterday and in others it feels like a lifetime ago. When I reflect back on this day 3 years ago I remember having a really intense dream a few nights before he died. I was on a plane that crashed landed in the water. I was alone standing on a piece of the plane screaming, “HELP!” I remember saying help out loud in my sleep.

I was really shook up when I woke up. Roy and I went for our usual walk with our dogs and I shared with him about the dream. We tried to figure out the meaning of the dream, but didn’t know at the time, the dream was a premonition.

For those of you who don’t know, Roy passed away in the hospital emergency room from an aortic dissection, a tearing of the aortic wall. He and I had a very close connection. We knew and felt what the other person was feeling.

I feel extremely lucky our relationship continued after his death. When I left the hospital that night, I felt him get in the car and come home with me. His presence was so strong I could see him sitting in the passenger seat.

For the 2 weeks following his death, I felt him attached at my right shoulder, his energy was palpable and solid. I was having 2 thoughts at 1 time. I could ask a question and hear his answer simultaneously. He made sure to joke and share things only Roy would say, helping me believe this was all true….real.

I admit, It was a little crazy making to feel him so strongly, on one hand I was devastated at losing him and on the hand I had a very present, loving and engaging invisible husband.

Looking back, I see how our deep connection saved me. Being able to feel him and talk to him was truly a gift for me. Sometimes when he visited we would have conversations. Other times it was more of a feeling he was there and I would receive a ‘download’ of information.

One morning about a month later I was pretty sad. I was walking our dog Lulu and Roy joined us. I asked him, “How are you?” he said “Really Good!” At first I was a little mad he was so good, but that quickly faded. He was really excited about all he was seeing. He said, “I wish I had a camera so I could share it.” Such a Roy thing to say, because Roy took photos of everything with his camera phone, and I mean everything.

I asked him to try to send me snap shots, like putting a Polaroid photo into my brain.He successfully helped me “see” the polaroid. He was right, the images were breathtaking, like something you see in Star Trek. He said, “Your words and our abilities don't really grasp the beauty, expansion and incredibleness of everything I see.”

I asked him, “What do you miss about being in a body?” He said “ I miss eating, drinking and driving- and all the aspects of why Beings come into bodies.” I miss experiencing textures, tastes and the feel of the breeze on my face.” He reminded me to notice the trees, the birds, the breeze, all of Nature and most of all to cherish and love the 3-D experience of a physical body. This is the essence I try to convey with my photography.

April 2017, in a dream he took me to the mall and said, “I want you to have a professional Canon camera for Christmas.” I couldn’t wait until Christmas, I waited about 2 weeks and bought the camera. He knew I was just going through the motions of life but not really living. He knew the camera would help me connect back to the natural healing of Mother Nature and bring me back to life.

Fast forward…….to Thanksgiving 2017. During a meditation he came for a visit. I said, “Hi! What are you doing?” Not sure why I asked that but I guess I was surprised he came in so strongly because I had not felt him in a while. He said, “I came to help my mom transition.” I found out the next day his mother passed away the night or two before Thanksgiving.

On that night he said, “I am going to be leaving for a while so you will move on.”

I said, “NOOOO!” He said, “It’s important for me to let go more.” I said, “I don’t like it, but I understand and knew he was right.

Fast forward to 2018.

Our interactions were less but I knew I could still reach him if I needed. When he did visit his energy was very light, which meant I had to be really clear to feel him. He again encouraged me to let go more. Yes, more surrender is necessary.

At one point in a deep meditation I asked him what he was doing where he was. He said he was gathering information and then sharing the energy with various body workers and healers. He described it as downloading new information and energy to assist in the healing. For those of us who knew him, we knew he would continue to help us.

He continues to be a Shineadoor…..One day I received a phone call from one his clients who said Roy came to her in a dream and told her she was very sick. He told her she needed to go to the doctor right away. When she went to the doctor they couldn’t find anything wrong but because of her dream, she insisted they keep looking. It’s a good thing they did because they found a tumor and she was scheduled for surgery. She is certain his visit saved her life.

Grief is a mystery. Sure there are emotional stages grief, but what I know now is they can last a minute or hours or weeks. They can even come at same time. Trusting Roy's process is the key to my sanity.

For anyone who has lost a loved one, including our fur babies, I hope this post helps give some peace knowing there is no separation between the physical world and the non-physical world. What I know for sure, is our loved ones can visit and assist, all we have to do is ask, trust and surrender.

As Roy would say, “Even in sadness, There Will Always Be Good in the World.”